More.. on Driving in Israel

Road signs (or a lack of them) are a great way to find yourself in the West Bank.

You would think that in a country where the next village or town is a potential life threatening, hostage kind of situation - Road Signs would be plentiful and easily comprehended. I would like to tell you.... they are not! Road signs here have Israeli attitude 'You want to drive here, fuck you - go figure it out yourself'. The road signs are in both Hebrew and Arabic, (So you can get lost in two languages!)... not that it does a whole lot of good, because their wrong! (just kidding they are not wrong.....they are misleading)

If you think following a map is a great alternative.....well lets just say in a young country with a dynamic infrastructure that is growing by 'leaps and bounds' - the maps can't always keep up with the reality. You are following along on your map..when - "whammy" road changes and segues with another road that only showed on the map as 'planned construction'...or worse wasn't on the map altogether. No warning, whatsoever!

GPS is a great alternative..... even if it does take you an additional hour to reach a destination that should have only taken twenty minutes to get there.....but my husband is too macho for a GPS.

Native born Israelis know better and buy the damned thing... but Noooo, not my husband. Because he hails from a country where men drink beer, watch football, and refuse to ask for directions, (even if they've been driving in circles for the last three hours). A country of Manly Men or at least thats what they tell themselves.

This is Israel where even the 'testosterone has testosterone' (more about that later). A country where women absorb testosterone by osmosis, (you really cant help it, the air is laden with it!) But even these super fly, macho bastards Get a GPS... because there is a fine line between 'macho' and 'stupidity'.

So, I go to the brand new "Ikea" in Netanya, that all the Israelis and Olim are raving about!

Yay, I'm so thrilled I can barely stand it (I'm being facetious, of course). Anyway, I drive a good hour and a half, for some 'post modern' crappy looking furniture. I go with two other new olim, both very sweet and clearly naive. Because, one of them was responsible for getting the DIRECTIONS, she got them, for 'going there' - and we did swell. However...and this is where it gets sticky, she honestly assumed that it would be the same directions 'in reverse' going back. HAH! Even I knew better!

Two hours later, we had long passed Ariel (which they thought was a good thing, because it has a Jewish name) - and we were deep in the West Bank.... and still looking for a place to make a U- Turn....

......Suffice it to say we got back in one piece - and lets leave it at that!

*A note on U-Turn's

If You make a Bad driving move, you are committed to it for a good forty minutes, I guarantee you! Because U-Turns are like a good old' American style 'Hotdogs' in Israel...Hard to come by!

Traffic Rules

Traffic Rules in Israel?...I didn't know there were any!

"Driving in Israel, is like 'life in Israel' in a microcosm."

No seriously, when you drive here, it is very much the same as living here. That is to say... it can be done - its simply a matter of proceeding at "your own risk"!

That said....there are definitely "Levels" to this insanity .

Some people - aren't audacious enough to even get behind the wheel.........

....and perhaps there is a certain wisdom in that.

The opposite extreme would be the daredevils who ride motorcycles heedless of the fact that trucks and very large buses merge when they "feel like it" and are generally unconcerned if any other motor vehicle is in their way. The rest of Israeli drivers are a range from your nervous and optimistically polite Olim (typically American), who wait courteously at the four way stops (and usually allow the other vehicle to go first) - to the more brusque and always in a hurry Israeli drivers - who beep loudly and uncomprehendingly at the "Dumb Ass" American in front of them .....because they haven't started moving during a yellow light or refuse to play chicken with the oncoming traffic thats headed directly at them. And so on and so forth...

Apparently, there is an official Israeli 'driving manuel' with a real 'set of rules' and a test, and everything (actually, not sure there is a manuel - but I can confirm that there is definitely an overpriced driving test- in which a large 'bribe' is 'mandatory', if you 'd like to pass the test, that is) .

But all kidding aside, there are no rules..... at least none that anybody follows.

Whoever is stronger, faster and just a little bit crazier gets to go first in any driving situation...thats the rule!

The Right to Bear Arms

I know a few of you have heard this story...but there is a really great follow up!

One further note: Having three sons means a certain degree of ahhh...how do I put this? OK, lets just say, 'Physical Interaction'.

However, our policy regarding violence is simple - Hands in the pockets, which is to say 'No Fighting' with other people. The addendum to this unwritten rule is .....unless of course their choking you, or something equally vile - then all bets are off and you are free to 'kick em in the nuts', or get creative.

So here we are in Israel, and its the first time I allow two of the boys to go to the park themselves. Which if you know me at all is the antithesis of the way I was back in the good ol' US of A ("Paranoid" would have been a better description of me).

We finished shabbos lunch today and it was so hot we melted into our beds...

Well our nine and a half year old asked to go to the park and our six year old wanted to go with him...by themselves, mind you. Anyhoo (I'm obsessed with this word) we granted their request, and after frequent repetitions of "do not talk to strangers" and "don't go anywhere with strangers" and "look both ways before you cross the street and mind the cars", as well as my particular favorite "no one can touch you in a potty place" ect, ect. they set off together holding hands. it was so sweet.

They come back an hour and a half later and they are dirty, dusty and rumpled looking, not an un-normal occurence for my children. But they look like they are bursting with important news: "Guess what happened at the park" they tell us.

and I'm thinking "oh, crap"

they didn't wait for an invitation, they launch into this tale of "a large german sheperd that belongs to five hostile and unfriendly, israeli children determined to mark their turf. Basically in a nutshell: the little dibs were trying to get the dog to attack my nine year old, so my oldest son did the most natural thing that occured to him - he punched the lead kid really hard, IN THE FACE - they shove my older kid down to the ground - but along comes the little six year old ( who no-one realizes is even a threat), with a very sharp, rusty nail, which he has been saving for just such an occasion - he sticks the israeli kid in the back with it ( at this point in the tale my six year old's face cracks into a huge grin and he shoves his little fists up into the air in a move signaling victory).... the israeli bully is distracted because he is howling in pain, my older son makes his move and bolts with his younger brother in tow.......

Different children might say : "I'm not going back to that park" or "I'll only go back with mommy and daddy"

Not my Children - Heres their discussion: the numbers were unfair, five big kids, and a dog, against two( no mention of the fact that the six year old was significantly younger, it is now assumed 'he can hold his own'...so next time what are they gonna do they'll bring their brother my eight year old son, too!

....and my middle son, the eight year old, who is now disappointed that he wasn't there to be in on it... (and is also our tactical genius) .....is busy working on improved battle techniques.

Sighhhhhhhh

Well we are invited out to Shabbos lunch a few weeks later.......

You know how kids say the Darndest things?

We are all sittin' around having a pleasant meal, when my eight year old, feels compelled to bring up the story in the park.

He opens with "Guess what happened".....

Knowing full well that, that kind of opening salvo never, ever has happy consequences, I try to shush him.

With a big, desperate grin plastered all over my face, I hurriedly talk over him - "Oh Yeah, thats a great story, yeah, yeah we all know it.

But of course, the hostess is now locked and loaded on the 'little big mouth' -

Hoping to nip what looks like a very, promising disaster, I'm throwing out desperate lines, meant to appease, placate, and hopefully shut him up - things like....

"Yeah, you can tell it to us later Honey bear, Darling, Precious Angel" (through gritted teeth, mind you!).........

(all the while thinking - little monster, you are sooooooooo so up shits creek, when we get home - because you are in Time Out, like for FOREVER - and that kid is never seeing his DS or a movie AGAIN).

Yet with a twinkle in his eye and a knowing smile on his face - he plows full steam ahead into a colorfully annotated version of the park story.....and I am dying of mortification.

Well just before I melt into a mommy size puddle of shame (because, I am sure this woman now thinks its like "Lord of the Flies" in our house)

- the woman begins to briskly nod her head approvingly.

HUH? Did I miss something......I'm wondering to myself.

"Yeah, you did the right thing", said the woman, who is both calm, collected and briskly efficient (and also surprisingly has a really great sense of humor).

She goes on to inform us that if you go to an adult, any adult, even a parent and especially a teacher.....you are blacklisted on the playground for life. Israelis don't tolerate no whinny ass babies. You gotta get out there and draw first blood and even if your child is left curled in a fetal ball of 'blood' and 'excruciating pain' (as she proudly, informs us her son has experienced this exact situation - I wince)..... "its a good thing" she explains - because now, you've earned some serious "street cred"!!!

......and cause you fought back and stood up for yourself... there is even a good chance they wont pick on you again, of course, no promises!

Like I said "We're living in the Wild Wild West....This is Israel Baby!!!

you never know

My husband saw a weird looking glider fly overhead yesterday....his first thought was 'Gee, that looks like fun' . His next thought was ' I thought I heard Palestinians were using Gliders to fly in suicide missions'.... following quickly on the heels of that thought was 'Crap, hope they shoot that sucker down' - because now my husband is convinced he saw a Palestinian flag streaming out behind the guy!! He laughed when he told me, because in 'Miami' a glider is just a glider (nothing ominous or evil about a little fun.... but here, who the hell knows what it could be). Living in the Wild, Wild West, Baby!